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Joke of the day:

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and
worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

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Joke of the day:

 Santas Diversion



Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was
awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.



Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."



Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.
"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed
and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents
you know."



Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining
clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please
reconsider? Stay with me?"



With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,
gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."



And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping
himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.



"Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.

Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

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Joke of the day:

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned
his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "I'm always first out
of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?"
"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about
the connubial."
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are
what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation,
"you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an
intelligent conversation."

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Joke of the day:

An elderly couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering
things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells
them that they're physically okay but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the
old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down
because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that: You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries!"

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! 
Leave me alone: Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream � I�ve got
it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles his way into the kitchen. After twenty minutes the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and then asks, "Where's my toast?"

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She is just unbelievably hot! Don't you think so?

Joke of the day:

Fred Dingaling

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides
to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of
a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase
on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose
your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I
got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree
so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so
I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was
Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking
away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Dingaling with VD.
"Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.

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Joke of the day:

Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one
night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". The
first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down his
pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriate music.

Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants
and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...the
women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played
appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out.
"I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,
not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...
and the band played "God Save the Queen." 

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Joke of the day:

President Clinton, returning from a campaign stop in Arkansas, is climbing the steps to board
Air Force One. Under each arm he is carrying a souvenir of his trip -- a live razorback. At
the top of the jetway, he is met by the guard, a Marine sergeant, who issues a crisp salute.
"I'd salute you back, Sergeant," says the President, "but as you can see, I've got my hands
full."
"Yes, sir," replies the sergeant. "Very nice pigs, sir. Very nice pigs."
"Why, these aren't pigs," the President responds. "These are RAZORBACKS!"
"Yes, sir -- razorbacks. Sorry, sir."
"Yup," Clinton continues. "Got this one for Chelsea, and this one for Hillary."
The sergeant replies: "Very good trade, sir -- very good trade."

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Joke of the day:

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish
Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and
asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."
"Probably, " replied the clerk.
"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs,
would you also insult him?"
"Probably," the clerk again replied.
"Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not
like you?"
At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."

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Joke of the day:

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual
   disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder
   clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and
   the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there
   in the hallway.
   
   "What condition does he have?" the student asks.
   
   "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he
   doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass
   into a coma."
   
   The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
   
   As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around
   his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
   
   "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?"
   
   "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a
   better health plan."
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